Posted by: simplyelizabeth | December 30, 2009

The Elephant In The Room or maybe my mind

I’m not much for heavy posts.  I try to keep things light and airy.  I totally try to avoid substance.  It might tax my mind and this is like way cheap therapy for me.  

As I typed that last sentence I’m wondering if it might not be a good thing to let the world in on personal therapy.

Hmmmmmm.

I’ll ponder that while I continue.  After all, the cat is out of the bag and I’m too tired to chase it.

I’ve been letting my circumstances that surround me dictate my moods. 

Do you ever do that? 

Feelings are fickle.  They can change on a dime.  On a scale from 1-10 I’d have to say I’m close to a 20 in the emotional department.  Sometimes I think there is one inch pipe located in my body with its outlet being my tear ducts.  Just ask DH or any of the kiddos. 

So I scanned back in my posts and I didn’t recall writing about this situation. 

What better time than at the end of the year to purge unneccessary items in our lives.

It’s time to build a bridge and get over it sister!

Build a bridge over what you say?

Well, at one point or another I’ve had a least ten conversations with most of you about this.  The “this” I speak of is the choice that DD made to go live with her dad.  I wish I could have stopped her and made her stay.  I wish she would have felt like our home was the best place in the whole world.  I wish I could fully know and understand her feelings about it all.  I wish  . . . . . . . . .It does no good to wish because the stark reality is she’s there and I’m here.  Her bonus dad is here.  Her brothers are here.  She is there. She is not here.

I can talk to my friends until I’m blue in the face and reason it all out in my mind.  At the forefront of my thoughts is she’s a teenager and we all know their wiring short circuits for anywhere from 5 -10years, depending on the model you have. 🙂  I think as a general rule, mothers and daughters have a rocky relationship during the teen years.  I also know, whether she believes it or anyone else believes it, she’s been encouraged to dwell on her feelings of  being less than pleased with her mom.  She’s been encouraged to hide things from our family and this has caused her to falsely distrust us.  There are many unhealthy relationships in the ex’s family, but he is her family too.  It’s hard to be hard on your family.  It’s not hard to be hard on your ex – for the most part.  I’m sure he has a compelling side to his story if you were to ask. 

I have to say that I think there were many deceptive practices practiced upon my sweet little girl.  She’s still sweet, just a misguided teenager.  Then again, aren’t they all misguided? 

It’s not anywhere near utopic at our house, but I believe we offer more stability, guidance and normalcy than her dad. 

Two and a half years ago her dad shared with me that he was not really interested in relationships with women – including when we were married.  After he shared it with me, he shared it with our daughter.  Once again, speculation on my part, but I believe she really already knew.  My DH and I had suspected for some time.  Turns out I had some family members suspect before I wedded the ex.  Wish I would have had their insight – but then I wouldn’t have DD. 

So, to move on the “elephant” thing – there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what I might have done differently to prevent this.  There’s not a day that goes by that my heart doesn’t ache so badly that I think it may explode.  There’s not a day that goes by that the thought, “What kind of mother must I be?” doesn’t cross my mind.  It’s shaken me to my core, no doubt.

Am I throwing myself a pity party?  Somedays.  Somedays I think it’s a tool of the “Great Deceiver” to keep me down.  It’s familiar and easy to go there.

Strangely enough, this whole process is harder when she’s around.  She acts like there’s not a thing wrong.  She wants to hug me, kiss me, hang on me, for me to rub her back, to sit almost on top of me on the couch and my complete and undivided attention.  Makes me feel a bit bi-polar.

I’m angry.  I’m resentful.  My heart is broken in a million pieces.  ( I can also be dramatic, but not here – not now)

It’s not just me.  There’s DH.  He doesn’t express things the way I do, but I believe there’s hurt and anger for him too.  My boys, DS#1 goes back and forth between sad and angry, DS#2 misses her so much and talks of her often and DS#3 does all of the above.  It’s hard to process it all when you’re 9, 7 & 5.

There is an upside to this.  The upside is that there is another side.  There is a side opposite of where I am right now.  Right now the tunnel is narrow and dark and rank and feels as if it’s never-ending.  It will end.  There will be light.  Just because I can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

While I may feel as if I’m treading water – even slipping below the surface sometimes – I know there is hope.  I know there is hope because I know Jesus.  My feelings are fickle, but He is not.  He is constant.  I pray that He use this situation in our lives to His glory.  I have found that I’m not at all alone and many children of divorce make this choice.  There’s a price to pay for all of us that have been touched by divorce.  (This will be another heavy-duty post on another day, thank you.) 

My price and my burden do not have to be as heavy as they are because Jesus will handle this for me. 

Let this my New Year’s Resolution – Jesus, carry my burden as I lean on you.  Let my heart be on fire for you, Lord – not from the pain in the world. 

Blessings & Hugs, Elizabeth

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Responses

  1. What a very honest post, E. I’m sure this was all at once hard to write, yet very helpful. I’m so sorry you are going through this, and that your whole family is experiencing it.
    I don’t think I realized that your ex’s news to you was quite so “fresh.” That was just before we moved here, I guess? For some reason, I thought you had known longer that that.
    Your resolution is the best that any of us can make…for Jesus to carry our burdens, to now do it all on our own. Love you, friend.

  2. You and Katie are never far from my mind. Noah prays every night at dinner for her to change her mind.
    I think your right, it is satan that is making you feel as if you did something wrong as a mother for this to happen. You are a great mother to all 4 of your kids!! Satan always attacks us where we are the most vulnerable, and as mothers that is always sticky spot. Just know that we are interceding for you before the king daily, and He WILL bring you to the other side of that tunnel!!

    Love you sweet friend!

  3. I’m so sorry you are hurting so bad. I am so glad you have Jesus to help comfort you. I love you!

  4. I know it’s painful. I’ve been there. Love you and I’m just a phone call away. Hugs.


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